Trumpspeak Decoded: A Survival Guide

Donald Trump likes to brag that he “tells it like it is.” But if you’ve listened to him for more than 30 seconds, you know that’s not true. Trump doesn’t speak English the way the rest of us do. He speaks a dialect all his own—a mangled hybrid of self-pity, bluster, and projection. Let’s call it Trumpspeak.

The good news? Trumpspeak can be translated. The bad news? It usually means the exact opposite of whatever is coming out of his mouth. Once you understand the rules, you’ll never be confused again.

Rule #1: Opposites Day, Every Day

Whenever Trump says, “I know nothing about it”—rest assured, he knows everything. He’s up to his neck in it. He’s been briefed, schemed, and rehearsed. He just doesn’t want fingerprints on it.

Whenever he says, “I know everything about it”—you can bet your last dollar he knows absolutely nothing. He picked up a half-baked headline on Fox News, slapped his brand on it, and is now strutting around as if he’s the authority.

Rule #2: The Phantom Chorus

“People are saying…”

Translation: No one is saying this. Not a single reputable human being. He invented it, and now he’s outsourcing the blame to an imaginary crowd.

“Many, many people are calling me…”

Translation: Nobody called him. Nobody ever calls him. His phone is quieter than Mike Pence’s personality.

Rule #3: The Tell

“Believe me.”

Translation: Don’t believe him. It’s a lie. Always.

“Everybody knows it.”

Translation: Nobody knows it. Nobody even cares. This is him trying to manufacture consensus out of thin air.

Rule #4: The Superlative Scam

When Trump says something is “the biggest, the greatest, the most incredible thing ever,” you can translate that into normal English as: “It’s average at best, but I need you to clap like a trained seal.”

Rule #5: Projection Is Confession

“Witch hunt!”

Translation: They’ve found actual evidence, and it’s bad. Really bad.

“Corrupt!”

Translation: He’s guilty of exactly what he just accused someone else of.

“Rigged!”

Translation: He lost, fair and square, and can’t admit it to himself—or his donors.

The Bottom Line

Trumpspeak isn’t complicated once you realize the guiding principle: every boast hides weakness, every denial is an admission, and every accusation is a confession.

So the next time Trump opens his mouth, don’t listen to the words. Translate them. In fact, do the exact opposite of what he’s telling you, and you’ll be a fluent Trumpspeak interpreter in no time.

Because the truth about Trump is simple: the louder he yells, the more he’s trying to cover up.

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